shatteredcube

It doesn’t matter how tight your seat belt is, when the oxygen masks drop it’s a whole new game.

Well I have made a drastic move that I do not wholly agree with. Although it would have happened eventually giving my nature. I fear commitment because I do not like to be tied down. It’s why I have yet to have a steady job and it’s why I am horrible at relationships.

At a moments notice I want to be able to just go off in a new direction if that’s they way my heart, tempered by my mind, takes me. I mean this in a spiritual sense rather than a physical sense, however I will not deny that curiosity.

What if I were given the chance to live in Europe for a year? I would have to leave everything in the States behind while I took off on the journey. Even more so complicated, what if I liked it to the point that I wanted to stay? If I were in a relationship I would want for her to join me, but who can ask that of another person? I couldn’t ask someone to join me half way across the world. I couldn’t ask them to change everything they are and change their plans, just to suit what I want.

More than likely a few years later I would want to try new things again and travel or change life drastically so that I can feel as if I am living life to its fullest. It’s my nature to want to experience everything (well mostly everything). This is why I said the things I did and instigated what I did (Moving onto what is causing these feelings). I know that I won’t be happy if I remain where I am and do the same things for the rest of my life. I need excitement every day, something new or different, something that grabs me and shakes life into me.

Since before I can remember I’ve had this drive to experience so many different things. I can’t change who I am and I don’t expect others to change who they are solely on my whim. This is why I am so troubled at this moment. I think too much and I start to look to the future. I realize that the girl for me will be open to changes and participate in what I enjoy. I want someone who will be right by my side through it all and not just a token that travels along. I want her to challenge me, I want her to take a dominant role at times. I want to be 50/50, partners in love until the end of time. Most of all I want her desires to match those of mine. So, when we do move or take a trip or even play a stupid card game it is not solely my decision but one we both enjoy and want to do.

I’ve been lucky enough to be blessed with the most wonderful, kindest, beautiful and sweetest girl that I have ever seen. She’s one of a kind and has managed to steal my heart in no way that I thought a girl could ever do. We have done everything together over the past year and I wouldn’t trade a moment of it for all the gold in the world.

That is why I am so troubled. I know that I want to be free, but at the same time I can never see myself without her. She isn’t what I’d call the most adventuresome girl. She really dislikes change and anything foreign to her. I’d like to think that I have been successful in curbing her ways to try new experiences and ideas. But, how far can I go without being too demanding and too selfish? I feel as if I am trying to shape her into what I want and not allowing her to be who she is. Thus my dilemma is apparent. I don’t know what I truly want more and most of all I don’t know what she wants. I don’t know if I am willing to sacrifice who I want to be for what I know and love. I just don’t know much of anything right now. I do know that such an internal struggle can not be good for the body. I’ve been feeling a little under the weather read:sick to my stomach since I first expressed the basis, yet horribly spoken feelings inside me.

For the time being I wait and ponder on who I am and what I want. The outcomes of this event will forever alter who I am. If they ever question where to highlight a big turning point in my life after I have left this world, now would be the ripe location. I am very appreciative to all the friends who have lent their ears and given feedback. I know everything will work out as they should in the end and we will grow stronger, this I do have faith in.

Off topic: I can’t believe I posted all that, but there you go. As for other things in the news. I have started making images and I might even have some song lyrics to post in the musings page. However as usual with the song lyrics I will likely only get one solid verse or a chorus and run out of ideas. Look forward to these being up real soon.

Goodnight and go shatter a cube, not a heart

::Note I will be adding images to the musings and I may be adding a quiz section so be sure to check those out when they are up::

So it has come to the long awaited moving day; coincidently the same time as the long awaited post. Indeed, it is that time of year again. Time for hard working young adults to step back and view what they have accomplished during there well earned time off. The stockpile of money and the nice bronze tan or perhaps it was spent with fevered effort knot tying class. Yes, it’s time to put away those efforts to focus on a higher degree of learning, college.

College is a grand place where you learn to deal with everyday BS along with your abnormally large loads of BS. To alleviate some pressure and tension from everyday life the average college student resorts to alcohol or drugs. They take these special moments to reflect on why they are in college and who their true friends are. And while they are sitting there with their head pressed against the soothing cool porcelain they truly gain respect for life. A respect thatcan be gained no where else. A repsect that truly shows you a whole new world.

And back to the subject in 3…2…1…Thus it is time for me to move into my apartment. I’ll be living on campus with 3 of my good friends that I met last year. Things are looking to be a good time. I’ve got great classes, I’m living with great people and I’ve got a great desire to succeed more than anyone can predict. I really feel like this year will be a defining year in my life.

With this I take a step in the direction of freedom. Some would say that at this age it is the desire to just be free of your parents. However, I may be one of the few that do not feel tied down in the least by my parents. They support me and try to help me with every opportunity. They are there when I need help or advice. Basically, I couldn’t become a great music artist because I don’t hate my parents. No, I don’t feel like I’m breaking any bonds. I feel like I am the young bird who has finally sprouted wings and I wish to fly for myself now. In my mind it is my duty to become independent and self sufficient. I’d like to think of it as social Darwinism and I’d rather be one of the few at the top rather than one of the many at the bottom.

I am pretty excited about this year and I look forward to it. Who knows, it might end up with me moving to a new state. Maybe I’ll start a new life. Maybe JRCA will take off. Maybe I’ll become a monk. Maybe I’ll tour Europe. The great part is I don’t know, but I am glad that I have the possibilities. Remember that you only get to live once, if you’re not happy then make it better. No use in complaining, that never really helped anyone. That enough one liners to keep ya happy? No? how about, it is always better to remain quiet and be assumed a fool than to speak and remove all doubt. Hmmm good advice…

Go shatter a cube (Justin you stole this and I am glad you have returned it to its proper place. In all honesty I laughed.)

School is over…for summer, not as in I get summer off I mean summer school is over. No, it wasn’t the remedial type of summer school, although I was an idiot so I had to take a class over. If I were you I would actually attend more than one lecture of a class and stay awake during discussions. So where I had originally gotten a D without actually knowing anything I managed to get an A. A very high A as well too. I finished the final in less than an hour and we were given 2. I was the last to start it and the first to finish it. After this expereince I have to say that the best math classes are the fast math classes. We put into 8 weeks what the normal one did in 4.5 months. That pace was far to slow for me and put me to sleep which in turn caused me to do poorly in the class. In the end my lesson is learned and I came out with the results that I wanted from this class (did I mention that it is an elective now that I changed my major?)

Went to a drive-in tonight where god tempted us with a little rain but eventually gave up on ruining our night. A drive-in for those who don’t know (Which is one person, my friend TJ who managed to make it to 19 without knowing this), is where you take a car and watch a movie on a giant outdoor screen using your car stereo as the makeshift surround sound dolby digital 5.1 system. We had two movies on the docket this evening. The first being the Bourne Supremecy whcih turned out to be a fairly decent movie. Although I don’t think it was as good as the first it did provide some entertaining scenes and a rather stupendous bit where the hero actually doesn’t appear to be invicible. I like it when directors and screenwriters break the bounds of the natural rythm of movies. The same followed with The Village which came next in our evening of entertainment. A very good promotional job was done to promote this movie as one type of film but surprise movie goers with a totally different type of movie. If you analyze the movie it can turn out to be very deep. I won’t give much away, but if you have yet to see it and desire to see it I would say go in with an open mind. Do not expect the scariest horror you have ever seen. Rather a well put together movie that examines the human being in a different way than we are used to.

Let’s see now, ah yes — tomorrow or today since it is 3 in the mornign and I have to get up in 5 hours, yippee!, I will be paintballing like a baller — werd! Yep I will go paintballing for the second time in my life. First time at an outdoor field which I am extremely excited to partake in. I’ll be out there with my friend JJ, he’s got made skillz with the video games and he’s asian, so I am naturally thinking he will be good at this.

On tuesday I will be attending a liquid force tour that is stopping at a local lake. I will get to demo some equipment and I might actually make a purchase following this. I hope it will be a great time because I took work off so I could attend it. It starts at 8AM so I won’t be getting any sleep on my day off, in fact I don’t get any sleep ever. Maybe tomorrow night because I don’t have school so I can sleep-in in the morning. After tuesdays’ day of wakeiness fun I might start doing full time hours. Which means I will be at the shop from 6:30 to 3 or 4 or 5 or 6, basically until they say I can go home. At least I will be earning some cash so I can afford the wakeboard and afford the paint balling and whatever expenses I happen to incur this year.

It’s getting kind of late and I’m afraid my spelling/gramatical erros will coem back to haunt me so I figure it’s a good time to stop and run away from them.

Good night everybody and go shatter a cube.

It’s friday today. Let me be the first to say yea!. This weekend should prove to be fun. Apparently there is a shin dig this weekend and I am the last to know about it even though I would consider myself the closest. (Don’t ask) Also going to Valleyfair. This should prove to be entertaining mainly becasue I will be forcing the girlfriend to ride all the rides I do. I don’t like to get sick on rides and I can get sick easily but I like the rush and adrenaline of fast and steep roller coasters. Where as she doesn’t like drops or heights so much. We’ll see how this all works out and whether or not I have a girlfriend after the day.

Kind of late to mention this but if you head over to the musings page using the conviently placed button at the top you can see the wakeboarding vid I posted. Most likely if you are reading this you have already seen it, but I figured I’d officialy post it up.

That’s all I Feel like typing for now, I’m kind of in a bad mood even though I made some money tonight, depostited money in the bank, found out I had more things to do this weekend and get to go wakeboarding tomorrow morning. I’m upset for dumb reasons but it’s the dumb ones that affect me the most.

Good night and go shatter a cube, or cone, or coconut